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20121201
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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)
central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. come on. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you so much. please, sit down. folks, folks-- as a great lady once said we got to hang out. well, merry christmas, everybody. as with you see i have fully incringe eled my set for the week. i have candy cane columns back there. i have my two big balls right down here. i have poinsettias all back there, festive and deadly. (laughter) but let's not forget it is also night three of hanukkah which i am celebrating by having just mentioned it right now. (laughter) you're welcome, jews. okay, that's called the colbert bump. speaking of me, everyone's speaking of me. >> south carolina senator jim demint is stepping down, so guess who's stepping up as a possible candidate, stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) >> within hours after the announcement he
and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it fen's name] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. in return i want to wish all of you a merry christ-christmas. i say it that way, so if the atheists try to take the christ out of christmas, there's still one left. [ laughter ] and as you can see, my set is fully decked for the season. i've got my historically-accurate nativity scene featuring mary, joseph, frosty, and the abominable snowman. [ laughter ] i didn't include optimus prime because he does not appear in the king james version. [ laughter ] and instead of the baby jesus in the cradle, i have my book: "american again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] folks, i want you to know -- unlike jesus, with my book, you won't have to wait a thousand years for the second edition. [ laughter ] speaking of books. papa bear bill o'reilly has been dominating the bestseller lists with his huge hits. i was happy until this. >> you've got
) >> stephen: welcome to the report! stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well come to the report. good to you have with us, lady its and gentlemen, let me begin by saying ellen silla lumen omentielvo. (applause) >> stephen: i slipped in a little quenya there, i'm just so pumped about the new hobbit movie about that hobbit, the hobbit. hobbit, hobbit, hobbit. you ever say a word so pain times it sounds like somebody just made it up? anyway, this thursday is the new york premier of peter jackson's j.r.r. tolkien the hobbit part one, an unexpected journey, tokyo drift. (laughter) and this week we got all the big stars. sir ian mckellen, gandalf the grey. (cheers and applause) we got sir martin freeman, bilbo baggins. (cheers and applause) sir peter jackson who played a very convincing film director. and sir andy serkis who is either the man who played caesar in rise of the planet of the aprils or he is a superchimp who plays this man. (laughter) (applause) and we have got for your
>> stephen: tonight, there's a war on men! it's like the war on women, but the soldiers are paid 25% less. (laughter) then will the senate put an end to the filibuster? i'll tell you in a segment that never ends. (laughter) and my guest, frank oz has a new director's cut of "little shop of horrors." it's got 20 bonus minutes of rick moranis nude scenes. g.m. and apple are teaming up to bring siri to cars. or as siri understood it, eminem and snap rl teaming up to bring cherrys to mars. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please sit down! let's get to our top story tonight. television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the b
sometime. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a grea
the "the colbert report" ♪ (laughter) ♪ the "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen! folks -- (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) folks, with an army like you behind me, i think we can storm the moranin. folks, it is night two of how about week or as they say in the black tong of mordor, tuesday. (laughter) i'm just enjoying some of the pipe weed that sir ian mckellan left in his dressing room. (laughter) pretty good. not as good as the stuff that willie nelson leaves behind. (laughter) still, wizardy weed is good for one thing. check this out. not bad, eh. save that for later. last night, gandalf the gray asked me to join him on the adventure and tonight it is the lead character of bilbo gag agains. martin freeman. how exciting, his father morgan must be so proud. (laughter) more on martin later but now, folks, i always go from the gut because my gut is the largest single organ in my body next to my balls. (laughter) sorry, prostate, maybe next exam. (laughter) but now scientist
.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. i got to tell you. that is so beautiful. that is so beautiful. i will take that sound. i will take that sound over jingle bells any day. nation, tonight is my last episode before three weeks off. but i'm not looking ahead to the break. i've already started. (cheers and applause) >> that is not a prop. whooo! >> there are still some important stories to talk about there, folks. like last night's megaconcert to help the victims of hurricane sandy. >> all eyes were on new york city last night for the 12-12-12 benefit show to help victims of superstorm sandy. paul mccartney, the rolling stones, eric clapton, bruce springsteen and billy joel were among all the rock 'n' roll heroes that came out to perform. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sex
) ♪ ♪ oh merry ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, thank you for joining us! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, folks. there is tons of excitement in the air tonight. it is the final night of hobbit week. (cheers and applause) i'm so excited, folks. i'm so excited about tonight's show, i have been camping outside my studio since 5 a.m. dressed as my favorite character. tonight's guest director peter jackson. (cheers and applause) who has requested that tonight's interview be broken into three parts and aired every december until 2014. you know, folks, it's just been a great week. and spending time with the creators of the hobbit for the past four days has changed me in ways i never expected. i mean it's hard to put my finger on it. (laughter) i got to tell you, it is such high maintenance. i can never find the parts. and frankly my mani-pedi girl is on a suicide watch. but of course tonight a big story comes from my home state of south carol
) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down. i gotta say, i love this little golden thing. i'm going to use it to sneak into hog warts to steal that invisibility cloak. folks, it is night three of honesofhobit week. we've had ian mckellan, martin freeman, and tonight andy circus. ( applause ) my first question will be, of course, "what do i have in my pocketses?" shhh! don't tell. mr. circus, of course, is the pioneer in the art of performance capture. he has played so many of the great computer-generated characters, not just gollan, but king kong, caesar from "planet of the apes" and of course abraham lincoln. you really believe it's daniel day lewis. of course, hobit heads like me can't wait for this movie and luckily, we don't have to, thanks to the wizards at denny's who are bringing the spirit of middle earth to the middle of the i-80 route 126 interchange. lord jim. >> first, i will have the skillet. next, i shall secure some hobit holes with the si
! ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ there's always next year, goodnight, mayan gence. >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪ >> ♪. >> stephen: tonight, a new threat from north korea. how will mach eye and klinger hand this will one? (laughter) then, can homosexuality be cured? and what will that mean for bravo's ratings? (laughter) plus, my guest, author malcolm gladwell wrote the forward the new yorker's "big book of dogs." i wonder if "dog fancy" has a "big book of gladwells." (laughter) it's now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. so if you are in one of them, be careful. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome, ladies and gentlemen! (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report," folks, thank you for joining us. it's great to be me. nation, it's a special time of the year. we've been looking forward to it for months now. and wherever you go you can see the twinkle in little children's eyes because they know in a few short weeks ♪ the fiscal cliff is coming to town ♪ merry c
to give a jolt to the soviet union. >> stephen: we were going to nuke the moon and we didn't! (laughter) this is earth-shattering news. when it should have been moon shattering news. clearly this, this moment is when america stepped back from greatness. oh, let's see, what's the best way to send the rescu rescue-- russ keyes a message. a tense u.s. security council meeting, no, you light up the goddamn moon way nuclear haloso bright kruschev can read pravda at midnight. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh, and what milk toast nancy pants pussied out on our nuclear lunar program? eisenhower. sure, ike beat the nazis but what about the moon nazies? oh, they don't exist? that's just what moon hitler wants you to believe. instead, instead we chose lunar appeasement. and it is just emboldened the moon. i swear last week that thing was half the size. this nation, i say this nation must nuke the moon before it can acquire nuclear weapons of its own. and don't think it isn't trying because we know it is teamed up with fundamentalist islam. (laughter) folks, if you ask me, you shouldn't be aski
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 55 (some duplicates have been removed)

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